I know I can be (confusing)
by Hannah Van Sciver on Tuesday, December 21, 2010 at 5:56am
because I’m afraid of the ghosts living under my skin.
They creep out to haunt me each time I presume to look in.
I don’t stay in one place too long
Because I’m afraid of the shape my bare feet make.
Before I step, I test my weight.
I take a minute and identify my means of escape,
So, if I break anything, I can
Disappear before someone wonders.
I’m not afraid of endings anymore, I’ve just
Forgotten how to begin.
I would let you in if I could
Find a door.
I’m not afraid of falling, but I
Find myself avoiding ledges and
Cutting corners to avoid the steep edges.
See, this hourglass heart leapt off the tabletop, and
time stopped and I dropped and rolled,
but it didn’t put out the fire.
So I sat in the theatre with my eyes closed
And my hands froze and I chose
to bask in your indecision, rather than my own.
You know these lips used to
Spring open like spring roses at every potential kiss, but
The overwhelming sense that I was missing something
replaced that with this.
I know I can be confusing sometimes, but
It’s honestly the first time I’ve been honest since
the first time.
So draw me a line and I’ll draw you a square
And I’ll point to where the page ends, and I’ll
scribble there.
The only thing keeping me sane is the hope
that one day you’ll
Stop asking me to pick apart my brain
like the smoking remains of some
totaled automobile, but rather
Give me a canvas and some
red paint and wait and
See together what we can create.
If it comes out wrong, kiss me anyway,
hold me like the
crescent moon, and watch my phases without
counting them.
I don’t stare at mirrors too long.
I cast my net in all directions,
looking for a love that defies reflections.
Copyright © Hannah Van Sciver 2010
